I saw from the window of my car,
As I was speeding by,
An old man.
He walked like my Father did,
one short shaky step after another,
looking forward with concentrated eyes,
that told you in no uncertain terms
that this was work.
The world had changed
from a place of confidence and freedom
to a whirlwind of frighteningly infrequent familiarity.
My Da would, as he walked towards you on his shaky pins,
give a characteristic wave and a happy smile.
To see a friendly face, a welcome in the road,
made him happy.
I looked in the rear view mirror,
and glimpsed you, the future.
The one I named after the Father I loved.
And I wanted to stop the car,
and chase after the old man,
and show him you,
and watch him smile,
that I might glimpse what Dad's smile might have been.
How precious the young,
how precious the old.
Thursday, 10 March 2016
Home Spun Mum
I often cook and bake with little Bertie. It's chaos, but fun. When I'm in the kitchen, Baby Cloister is on the work surface in his bouncer, and we play the 'Mummy is pretending she is on a TV cooking programme' game! I narrate everything I do, pass things to Bertie for him to hold, let him sniff the smelly ingredients, stick his hand in the ones that won't be too messy to clear up. It sounds and looks ridiculous:
'Today, Bertie, we are going to be making, Orange, Vanilla and White Chocolate Muffins. Okay?'
'Goo, GAH!'
'Here, have a wooden spoon to hold, that's interesting isn't it?'
*Wooden spoon flies across the work top* 'GOOOOOGAH!'
'Oh dear, you dropped it, would you like it again?' *pass spoon*
'What we'll need is
2 Eggs, (no you can't hold those)
125ml Vegetable Oil (It has a red label, look at that!) *grins* 'GURGLE'
250ml Full Fat Milk
200g Brown Sugar
400g Plain Flour *Bertie sicks up down his suit, needs to be mopped up, a commentary on this ensues - 'Oh dear! What caused that then? I need to mop you up, don't I? Shall I sing a song? -The big ship sails on the ally ally oh, the ally ally oh, the ally ally oh... ' -
3 tsp Baking Powder (comes in a funny little box, would you like to hold it?) *Baking powder is observed then thrown down*
1 tsp Salt (For a reason I do not understand, you're not allowed this until you are big)
200g White Chocolate Chips
Vanilla Essence
1 Clementine, squeezed
'What we do is, preheat the oven at 180C, that's quite hot. We line these muffin tins with cake cases, they make a good noise, feel?' *scrunch, scrunch, smile, chew - a few less cake cases are now useable*.
'We crack the two eggs into this big bowl (that makes a good noise, doesn't it!) and whisk them with the electric mixer *Whirr Whirr wide eyed face*.
'Add the sugar, and whisk until smooth' *whirr, whirr: smiles and giggles*.
'Add in the vegetable oil' *whirr whirr: gurgle, slight grizz, pass the wooden spoon back*,
'and the milk' *whirr whirr*
'We are looking for a nice smooth batter, what do you think?' *Bring mixture closer, spoon it up and let it fall back*
'We should squeeze this clementine now' *Cuts little orange in half and squeezes into cake mixture it with hands, pulling a face, laughing and saying 'Ewwww'*
'Here, smell this' *Lets Bertie smell orangey hands, he tastes the juice left on my fingers and pulls a face, then smiles - his first taste of of orange juice*
'And add the vanilla' *Let's Bertie sniff the vanilla essence from the bottle, he pulls a face*
'Mix!' *Whirr*
'Now, we need to fold in the flour, baking powder and salt, very gently, we don't want to make the muffins tough!'
'Add the chocolate chips! You'll love these when you are big'.
'Now we are all ready to put this into the cases! We need to fill each one three quarters full, look like this *demonstrates as if she's on the telly, looking to camera (sorry, I mean baby)*. It gives them room to rise *said as if she's a pro*.
'These will smell yummy in the oven, we need to bake them for 25 mins, stand back (as if a baby in a bouncer on the work top can stand back), it's hot.'
Cooking is often interrupted, and things have to be left half done whilst we play games, change a nappy, feed, nurse to sleep or do some other thing.
***********************************************************************************
EDIT! I make these using CLOTH now, and they are ace. They just get washed alongside the nappies and then I make up the mixture and start all over again.
Yesterday, after we made these muffins, we made baby wipes for the first time. I have been using WATER WIPES until now, I like them because they have no chemicals, but they are expensive, so a little internet research and we have now made our own according to a recipe which pleases us.
1 1 / 2 cups Boiled Water, cooled
2 tablespoons Almond Oil
Tiny squeeze of Organic Lavender and Chamomile Baby Soap
3 drops Lavender Essential Essence
Premium Kitchen Towel (the sort that won't break)
Plastic Storage Tub
The hardest part is the first part, you need to cut the kitchen roll in half, length wise. Use a very sharp knife and be determined. Place the half you are planning to use into your plastic storage box. Mix together the other ingredients in a jug. Poor them gently over the top of the kitchen roll. Leave for 10 minutes. Gently remove the inner cardboard core of the kitchen roll. Place the lid on top of the container, and squish it down to close it. Turn the container over and leave for a further ten minutes.
Ta da!
You can use these for about a week (if they last that long), then make some more. It works, it's got no chemicals, and its cheap! You can find a version of this recipe on Earth Mama, and better instructions!
'Today, Bertie, we are going to be making, Orange, Vanilla and White Chocolate Muffins. Okay?'
'Goo, GAH!'
'Here, have a wooden spoon to hold, that's interesting isn't it?'
*Wooden spoon flies across the work top* 'GOOOOOGAH!'
'Oh dear, you dropped it, would you like it again?' *pass spoon*
'What we'll need is
2 Eggs, (no you can't hold those)
125ml Vegetable Oil (It has a red label, look at that!) *grins* 'GURGLE'
250ml Full Fat Milk
200g Brown Sugar
400g Plain Flour *Bertie sicks up down his suit, needs to be mopped up, a commentary on this ensues - 'Oh dear! What caused that then? I need to mop you up, don't I? Shall I sing a song? -The big ship sails on the ally ally oh, the ally ally oh, the ally ally oh... ' -
3 tsp Baking Powder (comes in a funny little box, would you like to hold it?) *Baking powder is observed then thrown down*
1 tsp Salt (For a reason I do not understand, you're not allowed this until you are big)
200g White Chocolate Chips
Vanilla Essence
1 Clementine, squeezed
'What we do is, preheat the oven at 180C, that's quite hot. We line these muffin tins with cake cases, they make a good noise, feel?' *scrunch, scrunch, smile, chew - a few less cake cases are now useable*.
'We crack the two eggs into this big bowl (that makes a good noise, doesn't it!) and whisk them with the electric mixer *Whirr Whirr wide eyed face*.
'Add the sugar, and whisk until smooth' *whirr, whirr: smiles and giggles*.
'Add in the vegetable oil' *whirr whirr: gurgle, slight grizz, pass the wooden spoon back*,
'and the milk' *whirr whirr*
'We are looking for a nice smooth batter, what do you think?' *Bring mixture closer, spoon it up and let it fall back*
'We should squeeze this clementine now' *Cuts little orange in half and squeezes into cake mixture it with hands, pulling a face, laughing and saying 'Ewwww'*
'Here, smell this' *Lets Bertie smell orangey hands, he tastes the juice left on my fingers and pulls a face, then smiles - his first taste of of orange juice*
'And add the vanilla' *Let's Bertie sniff the vanilla essence from the bottle, he pulls a face*
'Mix!' *Whirr*
'Now, we need to fold in the flour, baking powder and salt, very gently, we don't want to make the muffins tough!'
'Add the chocolate chips! You'll love these when you are big'.
'Now we are all ready to put this into the cases! We need to fill each one three quarters full, look like this *demonstrates as if she's on the telly, looking to camera (sorry, I mean baby)*. It gives them room to rise *said as if she's a pro*.
'These will smell yummy in the oven, we need to bake them for 25 mins, stand back (as if a baby in a bouncer on the work top can stand back), it's hot.'
Cooking is often interrupted, and things have to be left half done whilst we play games, change a nappy, feed, nurse to sleep or do some other thing.
***********************************************************************************
EDIT! I make these using CLOTH now, and they are ace. They just get washed alongside the nappies and then I make up the mixture and start all over again.
Yesterday, after we made these muffins, we made baby wipes for the first time. I have been using WATER WIPES until now, I like them because they have no chemicals, but they are expensive, so a little internet research and we have now made our own according to a recipe which pleases us.
1 1 / 2 cups Boiled Water, cooled
2 tablespoons Almond Oil
Tiny squeeze of Organic Lavender and Chamomile Baby Soap
3 drops Lavender Essential Essence
Premium Kitchen Towel (the sort that won't break)
Plastic Storage Tub
Ta da!
You can use these for about a week (if they last that long), then make some more. It works, it's got no chemicals, and its cheap! You can find a version of this recipe on Earth Mama, and better instructions!
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Hush Little Baby
There's a lullaby I sing Bertie, you'll know it:
Hush little baby, don't say a word;
Mama's going to buy you a Mockingbird,
and if that mockingbird won't sing
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring...
It's all very commercial and about possessions being the thing that will calm your baby. But, it is sweet and the tune is addictive.
Then I found an American version by Sylvia Long. She changes all the bought items for things you can find in nature, or things you might do with your child. I use her board book to sing this to Baby B all the time, and think it very beautiful to sing about the natural world. It begins....
I keep changing it, looking at all the things we see each day. It has become my infinitely adaptable lullaby. I long to draw the pictures to match the different versions composed for each day. Maybe one day I will.
Hush little baby, don't say a word;
Mama's going to buy you a Mockingbird,
and if that mockingbird won't sing
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring...
It's all very commercial and about possessions being the thing that will calm your baby. But, it is sweet and the tune is addictive.
Then I found an American version by Sylvia Long. She changes all the bought items for things you can find in nature, or things you might do with your child. I use her board book to sing this to Baby B all the time, and think it very beautiful to sing about the natural world. It begins....
Now, my husband says that these lyrics are lovely, but too American, and maybe I should compose new ones that reflect the view from our window and the things we do together.Hush little baby don't say a word,
Mama's going to show you a humming bird.
And if that hummingbird should fly,
Mama's going to show you the evening sky.
As the night time shadows fall,
Mama's going to hear the crickets call.
As their song comes from afar
Mama's going to search for a shooting star.......
Hush little baby don't say a word,
Mummy's going to show you a small blackbird.
And if that black bird flies away,
Daddy's going to show you an oak tree sway.
If that oak tree falls to the floor,
Mummy's going to show you a red kite soar.
If that kite goes out of sight,
Daddy's going to show you the firelight.
As the fire embers burn,
We will hear the rooks return.
As they settle to their nest,
we will count ourselves as blessed.
Robin, he will come to play
at our house at break of day.
Hush little baby don't you cry.
Mummy's going to sing you a lullaby.
And in the morning when you wake
A new adventure we will take.
I keep changing it, looking at all the things we see each day. It has become my infinitely adaptable lullaby. I long to draw the pictures to match the different versions composed for each day. Maybe one day I will.
Maternity Leave Cooking
I adore being on Maternity Leave with our beautiful son. Each day is a new adventure in growth, giggles and development. Each day I have faced new challenges and, together with my husband and little one, made it to bedtime in one piece. Each day I have felt blessed when I look upon my husband and son tucked up cosy, warm and peaceful.
I'm not about to turn this blog into a mother's forum for talking about her baby. Although, I could talk about Bertie at great length if called to do so. This blog was always a place to talk about religion and food, so I aim to keep it that way.
This was the first Ash Wednesday in my adult life that I have not marked the beginning of Lent by attending Mass. Motherhood makes church going challenging. Bertie and I marked the day quietly at home with a little bit of peace and quiet, whilst I explained what it was all about to him. Not that, at three months, he is particularly theologically adept, but that he likes the sound of me nattering on, and vocalising the significance of the day forced me to pay it due attention.
I was not fasting either. Breastfeeding a baby really does use every ounce of energy you have, and if I fast I would be inflicting that same behaviour on my baby boy. Not on, thought I. So, this morning with Bertie happily watching me from his bouncer I made peanut butter cookies. I have been baking a lot recently. I developed a very sweet tooth after Bertie was born. Mostly I send the goodies to work with G. His office colleagues are very happy about this. And, sending a few sweet treats with G help him through the day, especially if sleep has been lacking!
Ingredients
8 tbsp plain flour
2 tbsp caster sugar
2 tbsp crunchy peanut butter
1 free-range egg yolk
50g/1¾oz butter, softened
icing sugar, for dusting
Preheat the oven to 180C. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl and use a knife and your fingers to bind them into a sweet dough. Knead a little until you are happy with the texture. Pull walnut sized pieces away and roll them into a ball. I then squished mine with a little star cutter, but you could use a fork. Place on a greased baking sheet. Bake for 10 minutes until golden brown. Once cooled, dust with icing sugar.
Actually, I have been really into cooking and baking since I have been on maternity leave. I enjoy using those spare precious minutes making something that all three of us can enjoy. I'm not particularly health conscious, but eat a fairly balanced diet. My only 'food fad' is that I hate the idea of chemicals or weird additives in my food. So, cooking things from scratch is a way of ensuring that what goes into me, and then into Bertie's milk, is known to me. Sometimes, if Bertie is awake, he helps by holding a carrot or stick of celery and waving it. I put his bouncer on the worktop so he can see what is happening, and we do a little running commentary to each other about the proceedings. I've had a few little triumphs, and I hope to share with you some of the recipes in due course. I record them here to remind me of what I've been up to.
Mini Bakewells; Lemon Madelines; Plain Cakes; Oat Mincemeat Slices; Date and Orange Slices; Scones; Flapjacks; Chocolate cookies; Lemon Drizzle
Seafood Pancakes; Spaghetti Bolognese; Lasagne; Salmon en Croute; Chilli Tortillas; Chicken Crown roasted with Red Peppers and Olives; Macaroni Peas; Barley Risotto with Lamb; Steak and Kidney Pudding; Giant Cous Cous Peppers
I'm not about to turn this blog into a mother's forum for talking about her baby. Although, I could talk about Bertie at great length if called to do so. This blog was always a place to talk about religion and food, so I aim to keep it that way.
This was the first Ash Wednesday in my adult life that I have not marked the beginning of Lent by attending Mass. Motherhood makes church going challenging. Bertie and I marked the day quietly at home with a little bit of peace and quiet, whilst I explained what it was all about to him. Not that, at three months, he is particularly theologically adept, but that he likes the sound of me nattering on, and vocalising the significance of the day forced me to pay it due attention.
I was not fasting either. Breastfeeding a baby really does use every ounce of energy you have, and if I fast I would be inflicting that same behaviour on my baby boy. Not on, thought I. So, this morning with Bertie happily watching me from his bouncer I made peanut butter cookies. I have been baking a lot recently. I developed a very sweet tooth after Bertie was born. Mostly I send the goodies to work with G. His office colleagues are very happy about this. And, sending a few sweet treats with G help him through the day, especially if sleep has been lacking!
Ingredients
8 tbsp plain flour
2 tbsp caster sugar
2 tbsp crunchy peanut butter
1 free-range egg yolk
50g/1¾oz butter, softened
icing sugar, for dusting
Preheat the oven to 180C. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl and use a knife and your fingers to bind them into a sweet dough. Knead a little until you are happy with the texture. Pull walnut sized pieces away and roll them into a ball. I then squished mine with a little star cutter, but you could use a fork. Place on a greased baking sheet. Bake for 10 minutes until golden brown. Once cooled, dust with icing sugar.
Actually, I have been really into cooking and baking since I have been on maternity leave. I enjoy using those spare precious minutes making something that all three of us can enjoy. I'm not particularly health conscious, but eat a fairly balanced diet. My only 'food fad' is that I hate the idea of chemicals or weird additives in my food. So, cooking things from scratch is a way of ensuring that what goes into me, and then into Bertie's milk, is known to me. Sometimes, if Bertie is awake, he helps by holding a carrot or stick of celery and waving it. I put his bouncer on the worktop so he can see what is happening, and we do a little running commentary to each other about the proceedings. I've had a few little triumphs, and I hope to share with you some of the recipes in due course. I record them here to remind me of what I've been up to.
Mini Bakewells; Lemon Madelines; Plain Cakes; Oat Mincemeat Slices; Date and Orange Slices; Scones; Flapjacks; Chocolate cookies; Lemon Drizzle
Seafood Pancakes; Spaghetti Bolognese; Lasagne; Salmon en Croute; Chilli Tortillas; Chicken Crown roasted with Red Peppers and Olives; Macaroni Peas; Barley Risotto with Lamb; Steak and Kidney Pudding; Giant Cous Cous Peppers
Of Baby, Adventures, Cakes and Being at Home
The greatest adventure of my life to date happened recently - my husband and I welcomed a little baby to our family. There was so much advice and help for us along the way. That was a good thing, but it was also confusing. Sometimes I appreciated the information that was coming my way, sometimes it was pure opinionated fiction. Sorting the wood for the trees has been a constant part of pregnancy and early parenthood.
Here are some of the myths I have come across, and how Mr. Cloister, Baby Bertie and I have responded:
1. Once you have a baby you will not be able to cook a meal: order take away! Cook for the freezer while your expecting! - Every book, blog post and person I spoke to mentioned this. It made me nervous. What would we both be doing? It may well be true that one of us cannot cook, but there are two adults in this team - right? Right. Mr Cloister made me steak, chips and green beans on our first night home with little one. Not a day has gone by where we have sat down, looked at each other and declared 'we cannot cook, we must starve!' Cooking is a life skill that does not disappear. Thank God.
2. You'll not leave the house for weeks. I was honestly frightened of this. It turns out, it is rubbish too. Basically, if you want to go out with your newborn baby, you go out. Yes, you have to think about what to dress your baby in, and how to keep him clean and comfortable, but no one is going to force you to stay inside. In the same week Bertie was born Mr Cloister and I walked round the local farm, went to Church as usual, went to the shops - you know, normal living. That was essential for me, especially post C-Section. Since then, wherever we have wanted to go, Baby Cloister has joined us. Simple.
3. There is a right way to do everything (and you're probably doing it wrong). We have broken all the 'rules'. Baby B feeds when he wants, sleeps on the sofa (before we go to bed) and in our bed (when we are there), hops in the bath with me, goes out in cold weather, and sometimes even sleeps outside too - he seems fine. Meanwhile, we eat what we like, drink as we please and share the many jobs (washing nappies, mainly) - we are fine too. Pah! to rule books. Following our parental instincts and keeping things simple works for us.
Some things have been really important to keep in mind, and I've found them helpful. For example, everything can't be perfect so don't try and make it that way; your family is made of love, keep loving; my husband, my baby and I are all beautiful (and I'm not just being big headed); snoozing in the middle of the day is not only okay, it is essential; sleeping through the night is overrated, the medievals never did it; complaining ruins morale, keep chipper; do nice things for your partner; hug whenever you get the chance.
On sleep, I admit, that Mr Cloister and I love snoozing and so have adapted very quickly to a routine of eat dinner, tidy house and do chores, take peppermint or chamomile tea (wine on Friday's) to bed and listen to audiobook story really rather quickly. We are normally all three tucked in by 9pm, but then we don't worry about being up changing a nappy at 2am. From the cosiness of bed we conduct our evenings, chatting, listening the radio, even folding nappies and laundry when needed!
On sleep, I admit, that Mr Cloister and I love snoozing and so have adapted very quickly to a routine of eat dinner, tidy house and do chores, take peppermint or chamomile tea (wine on Friday's) to bed and listen to audiobook story really rather quickly. We are normally all three tucked in by 9pm, but then we don't worry about being up changing a nappy at 2am. From the cosiness of bed we conduct our evenings, chatting, listening the radio, even folding nappies and laundry when needed!
Well, that's my baby post. I don't think I'll do another - there are too many out there.
Being at home has its challenges for me, I find four walls difficult to handle. For this reason, Baby Cloister and I have been going out on some adventures. I have asked the other mums I know from antenatal class to let me plan a little walk (with buggies or slings) for them every now and then. They will do the same for me sometimes, I'm sure. Here's a picture of us out and about enjoying ourselves.
Cake is the other essential to motherhood. And lots of it. I make cake all the time, but try not to eat it all myself. I made these mini bakewells to send into my husband's work and they got a good review! Enjoy.
225g / 8oz plain flour
110g / 4oz butter
80g / 3oz sugar
1 egg
Crumb together the butter and the flour by hand, add the sugar. bind the mixture quickly by mixing in the egg, and a little milk if needed, to form a soft dough.
Preheat the oven to 180C. Grease a baking tray with 12 x fairy cake tin. Roll the pastry out and use a round cutter to cut shapes a little bigger than the pattie rounds. Place the round pastry shapes into each space and leave to one side (in a cool space preferably). I cut little star shapes out with left over pastry for decoration later.
Strawberry or Raspberry Jam
150g unsalted butter
150g caster sugar
3 eggs
1 egg yolk
150g ground almonds
almond essence*
1 lemon zested*
flaked almonds*
*all optional
Cream together the sugar and butter until light and fluffy. Add the 3 eggs, whisked, slowly. Add the last egg yolk, slowly. Fold in gradually the ground almonds, almond essence and lemon zest. To your pre prepared pastries spread a little strawberry/raspberry jam at the bottom of each tart. Add a little of the cake mixture to each and smooth out. Add flaked almonds or pastry stars to the top. Bake for 20 - 30 mins, until soft, golden and springy.
Cake is the other essential to motherhood. And lots of it. I make cake all the time, but try not to eat it all myself. I made these mini bakewells to send into my husband's work and they got a good review! Enjoy.
225g / 8oz plain flour
110g / 4oz butter
80g / 3oz sugar
1 egg
Crumb together the butter and the flour by hand, add the sugar. bind the mixture quickly by mixing in the egg, and a little milk if needed, to form a soft dough.
Preheat the oven to 180C. Grease a baking tray with 12 x fairy cake tin. Roll the pastry out and use a round cutter to cut shapes a little bigger than the pattie rounds. Place the round pastry shapes into each space and leave to one side (in a cool space preferably). I cut little star shapes out with left over pastry for decoration later.
Strawberry or Raspberry Jam
150g unsalted butter
150g caster sugar
3 eggs
1 egg yolk
150g ground almonds
almond essence*
1 lemon zested*
flaked almonds*
*all optional
Cream together the sugar and butter until light and fluffy. Add the 3 eggs, whisked, slowly. Add the last egg yolk, slowly. Fold in gradually the ground almonds, almond essence and lemon zest. To your pre prepared pastries spread a little strawberry/raspberry jam at the bottom of each tart. Add a little of the cake mixture to each and smooth out. Add flaked almonds or pastry stars to the top. Bake for 20 - 30 mins, until soft, golden and springy.
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Prophetic Passing of the Years
'Prepare the way of the Lord' cried John the Baptist in the wilderness. Get ready! The time is coming! How many of us find that Christmas creeps up every year? We do not see it coming, and no matter how early the shops play their inane choruses of 'jingle bells', we are surprised when we reach 'the weekend before Christmas'.
Yet, there is a meta narrative which is yet more hidden, which creeps more stealthily upon us. I read back the blog posts I have made in these last years. In 2012 I dreamed the crib would come to life, and magic, hopeful things might come to pass if only I had the courage to 'hold on' to the tiny forceful grip of the Christ child lying vulnerable in his straw filled crib. My treasured time then was the quiet I spent with loved ones, time when all the festivities had passed and peace been allowed to drift slowly in. 2013 brought the reflection that 'so many things last because of love': a hazelnut cradled a palm precious because love made it so, and made it something that would exist into eternity. I was making freezer meals for my parents that night, because they were under the weather. Later in the same year 'a weary world rejoiced' in the coming of Christmas. My dearest Dad was going to spent the feast in hospital, and I was going to sit with him and my Ma, crocheting a blanket. I remember doing just that. A day of talking quietly on the wards, cheering Ma and Da along as best I could. In the New Year I had the honour to get engaged to the most wonderful, amazing human being ever to have come into my life. We were married in August 2014. The following Christmas tremendous peace came with Christmas. Ma and Da came to our house, and together we celebrated a beautiful, gentle time together. I can still clearly recall Da saying, 'I'm just going to sit here and glow for a while', after he had enjoyed a hearty feast and polishing off an fairly substantial Irish Coffee.
To date, it is the second word of that realization that has dominated my thoughts. I have lost. But, Christmas, and the peace that it brings in its' quiet moments, the staring at the twinkling lights in the small hours, the visitation to the crib, the family time, the carols humming from the radio, I hope might bring to the fore the first word: I have loved.
Grief makes you weary, it is true. But, what have I to rejoice in? A beautiful son carrying his grandfathers' name. It is the grace given to me, my husband, my brothers, sisters, mother, all relatives, to show this precious child the gift of love. The gift I learnt in the gentleness, patience, charity, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, generosity, faithfulness and modesty of my Da. So many things last because of love.
This year we will celebrate Christmas Day at our home with the parents of my husband. Bertie is their first grandchild and they delight in him. They too have suffered grief this year, mourning the passing of Peggy, my husband's maternal grandmother. Hope and comfort has also come to them in the new life love has brought.
All of this makes sense of one little line in a famous carol. Whether I think about faith, and the Christ child in the crib, or about home and my son in his cot, the secret of the season is writ clear, even, nay especially, in the mid-winter of grief:
What can I give Him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb;
If I were a wise man
I would do my part;
Yet what I can, I give Him -
Give my heart.
To briefly return to the beginning. Was I ready for any of this? Prepared? No. It snuck up on me. Just like Christmas always does.
PS: I used to write about food! I have got rather carried away here. But, if you have made it this far, you should know, I am making this for Christmas Eve. Delicious. Then we are going to Midnight Mass with Bertie. You may wish us luck now......
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Ways of Seeing
Time flies when you aren't paying attention. At least, that's the way I feel about it. Nothing much has changed since I last wrote. Perhaps that is why I write less these days.
Last Saturday, 26th September 2015, we laid my Da's ashes to rest in the garden of St. Thomas More and St John Fisher Catholic Church, Burford. The time of year was fitting somehow, Michaelmas - the feast of All Saints. It is the name of the house to which Ma and Da moved when they retired to the Cotwolds. Graham and I stayed with Ma on Saturday night. We lit the fire and sat and talked. We looked through old photograph albums.
After Mass on Sunday, and a long delicious roast lunch, we left with two presents, both significant to me. The first was a massive bunch of Michaelmas daisies from the garden. The michaelmas was in flower when Ma and Da moved to their cottage in the country. It has always grown in the garden. Da loved it. He loved the garden and was just waiting and waiting for the sun to come out and shine again when he went and passed away in April.
The second gift is a loan. It is Da's camera. I am not sure where he got it, as it would have been an expensive piece of kit in it's day and it would have been unlike him to go out and buy something so flash. It is a Canon 3000n SLR. Da loved to take photographs. It is passion he has passed on to some of my siblings: they take beautiful images, and regularly document family events and daily life. Looking through the old albums it is clear that Da had an excellent eye for a photograph too. He always caught the right moment, captured the smiles. He took photos in the same way as he painted. When you look at his painting you see all the colours of the rainbow, each shade of green and each cloud in the sky given due respect and brought to life in watercolour. Look in his paint box though and you'd see a few screwed up tubes of old paint. In my whole life I only ever remember him buying one tube of paint. He made the colours happen by mixing them on an ancient old palate, and he could paint any colour. Da's attitude to cameras and photos seemed to be similar. I don't remember him ever spending fortunes on photographic equipment. He loved this Canon 3000n though. I remember him wanting to have the camera all fixed up for when Graham and I married. He had a man put a film in it. I don't quite know what happened to it. Somehow the film was corrupted and when he had it developed there was nothing on it. He was sad about that. Now I look back and think I should have given him more help to make sure it worked properly.
And so, second chances come along. Yesterday Graham and I took the Canon 3000n to a shop and bought it new batteries and new film. We polished it and cleaned it. I downloaded the instruction manual from the internet and read it carefully. This morning we took the camera for a walk and took 6 pictures. We are learning, we are experimenting. Hopefully we will document the arrival of our own little one come November. We will take the film to be developed, choose the best shots and pop them in a brand new family album. I know when I was thinking about which pictures to take I was thinking about how Da would have seen the world. How he would have seen what we saw. He would have loved the cows, and he would have seen the happiness and love between Graham, our unborn baby and I. Hopefully, when the shutter clicked, we will have captured some of that. But, because this is a film camera, we will have to wait and see! There are another 30 pictures still to see, choose, consider and take before we can see the fruits of our labours.
I love having Da's camera. I've always wanted to take beautiful pictures. I don't know yet if I have any talent for it, but I'd like Graham and I to give it a go. I like the idea of using film. I want to wait to see what turns out. I am looking forward to the day we take the film to be developed, the excitement of walking home with the prints, the artistry of choosing the best pictures for an album that will forever be our window on the world. Maybe one day far in the future, our children will remember us, looking through the images we select. Maybe we'll be able to share how we see the world. And I'll know it was because Da, as he brought up his family, paid attention to how he saw the world and how he wanted us to see it too.
Wednesday, 22 July 2015
I stopped, the world carried on
My Da, Bob Hutton, died on 22nd April. It came as the most terrible shock I have ever experienced. I still cannot think or talk about it without crying. I think about it as the day I stopped and the world kept moving.
There is much to be grateful for. Just two days before he was taken into hospital I told him I was going to have a baby, due in November. He grinned a big grin. My Ma jumped up and down, and looking at her laughing he said. 'I never saw you do so much jumping!'. He kept smiling for the rest of the day. The next day we went for a short walk around the green. I held his arm, and he apologised for being slow. I told him not to, and we talked of everything and nothing as we wandered. He had fish and chips for lunch on the day he went into hospital. my brother and his family were visiting. He knew he wasn't well, but did not say anything. He went to bed in the afternoon for a snooze (unheard of). Later that night I would call an ambulance for him, and sit by his side, with my Ma, in intensive care. None of us thought it would be his last hospital visit. He had nine lives you see, and we had been to this place many times before. But, soon he lost consciousness, and two weeks later passed away.
Shortly after he died, I do not know how long, they read that list of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in Church: charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control. I knew then it was a description of Da. He lived each of those gifts out every day of his life. He lived them when he went to work, he lived them when he came home, he lived them bringing up six children, he lived them laughing with friends. My Da always had time to listen to everyone. He never made assumptions, never generalised, never grouped people together with labels. Whenever anyone came to the house, even if they did look different (men with long hair, thousands of piercings, tattoos, alternative lifestyles, from far away, employed, unemployed) he would entertain, tell stories, laugh, joke and above all listen with gentleness to their story.
I am almost 6 months pregnant now, and still I feel that time has stopped still, that I am stuck and cannot move on. The one person I hold onto is my beautiful husband, who loves me, dare I say it (?), as much as my dear Da loves me. Ma came round today. Talking of Da she said, 'He always loved me so much. I was an angel in his sight, and everything I did was right. Unconditional his love was. Unconditional. The only thing I can do is have his pictures framed and hung. That reminds me of the way he saw the world.' We talked about how Da always spoke with gentleness to strangers, welcomed people, and thought about those he saw in the news as if he were among them. We agreed that was the way we would like to be, to try to be, just to honour his memory.
I've not thought much about the fact that myself and my husband are expecting a baby. Well, that's not entirely true. I have thought lots about practical things: money, buggies, car seats, nappies, maternity leave, work, child care. But, I have not thought much about the example I would like to set for our child, the model I would like them to have. I have been too caught up in work, on a treadmill that seemed as though it would never end. I wanted it that way, really. If I was busy I could not think about Da, I could imagine he was still at home with Ma and I just hadn't seen him in a while. But, you can't do that forever, and even if you try every now and then it brings you back with a horrid shock.
When I think about Da I realise I would like to show them the world as he saw it: full of beautiful landscapes to admire in wonder, people to love unconditionally with kindness and gentleness, patience to wait for all that is good in yourself and in others, generosity of spirit to listen to all those who pass your way, especially those who are different, faithfulness to God and to family, modesty to learn from life's experience, time to be awed by little things, like spiders webs and dickie-birds, and self control to be able to enjoy all things. If I could teach my child to see and live all that in the world I would be proud not only of him or her, but of my Da who taught me that was the best way to be; and, to have the determination to keep on working at it, especially when it seems hard.
Only my husband asked me how I was after Da died. Everyone else asked after my Ma. That is right and proper, as it is the job of us children to look after Ma now Da is not there. Now, people rarely ask how any of us are. For the record, I am not over it, and neither is my Ma, nor I imagine are any of my siblings. But, Da's legacy to us is strength shown through gentleness, and it is with those gifts that we will carry on. And maybe one day we'll catch the world up and join in again.
Saturday, 21 March 2015
Veggie Feast Fasting
I have thoroughly enjoyed Lent this year. Mr Cloister and I have been spurning meat most days, and working our way through Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall's Veg Everyday and Sally Butcher's Veggistan - a vegetable lovers tour of the Middle East. We have cooked up some delicious new things; each evening is an adventure for the taste buds. The books are excellent inspiration, the first I bought in Oxfam for £5, the second was a generous gift from best friends of mine. Both are invaluable for creativity in the kitchen. I recommend seeking them out! Veggistan has a website, HFW has been around so long he is in the charity shops.
I have made up some new stuff too.
So far:
Chachouka - a spicy North African Stew made with red peppers and tomatoes, baked eggs over the top. We had it with HFW's magic flat breads.
Cauliflower and Chickpea Curry - Sadly, this one belies the fact that HFW does not test every single one of his recipes. He adds water where it is not necessary at all! However, the concept is excellent, and made in the traditional way - frying onions and spices first, adding tomatoes and vegetables and slow cooking, is delicious.
Squash and Fennel Lasagne - HFW prepared the bechamel with celery, onion and bay - then discarded the beautiful ingredients! We cannot conscience such wastefulness! So I fried the the celery and onions with the fennel and made the bechamel with the bay.
Mushroom Stoup - Totally delicious mushroom stew made with porcini mushroom and flat field mushrooms, flavoured with dill. I hadn't had dumplings in years, and these were amazing.
Afghan Hotpot - From Veggistan this one - A lovely sweet gloopy stew to celebrate carrots and yellow split peas. We actually made it with one carrot and the parsnips from the fridge. It was great. I am reassured that you can make the same dish with pumpkin! The basic ingredients are onions, garlic, chilli, ginger, cumin, tumeric, coriander, cloves, tomato paste, tomatoes, white wine vinegar, vegetable stock, carrots and yellow spilt peas. Served with fresh flat breads.
Prawns and Parsley - Okay, I made this one up, but it turned out well. I cooked tagliatelli in a pot with half a fresh fish stock cube. Fried garlic and red chilli in olive oil and butter, added white wine, lemon juice and prawns, then basil pesto. Loads of fresh parsley at the last minute. Garnish with black pepper and parmesan.
Onion and Courgette Quiche - Again, made up. Easy really. Fry onions, and garic in butter with fresh thyme leaves. Roll out short crust pastry to fit pie dish. Whisk up 6 eggs with a splash of fresh double cream. Pour in the fried vegetable mixture to the pastry, add eggs, garnish with dried thyme, and artistic left over pastry strips. Bake for 25 mins at about 180 - 200C. I made a variation of this with leek fried in butter with thyme. I had tallegio cheese and scattered it over the top of the cooked leeks before adding the eggs. Both dishes were scrumptious.
Butternut Squash Pasta - Made up again, but it has turned into rather a favourite. Bake a butternut squash with butter and fresh thyme for 1 hour (ish). When it is cooked, fry onions, garlic, thyme leaves and chilli in butter and olive oil. When translucent add a tablespoon or two of plain flour and a pint of vegetable stock to make a thick sauce. Peel the baked squash, chop it roughly and add to the pan. Cook paste of your choice. Add cream to the sauce if you feel. Add pasta to the sauce, stir all together, garnish with thyme, pepper and parmesan.
Black Eyed Bean and Lemon Hotpot - This was an eye opener and no mistake. Based on a blend of Greek lemon lemonato sauce and Persian casserole wizardry, Veggistan amazed me. Celery, carrots, lemon, dill, basil, tumeric, black eyed beans, potatoes - all flavour and warming, packing comfort and a punch. Life changing. Served with flatbread.
Pinto Bean Chilli and fresh Guacamole - From HFW. He did his track of wanting to add water when it is not needed agin, but was duly ignored. A delicious, flavoursome and comforting meal. Mr Cloister told me he didn't really like guacamole before we began. He loved it by the time we finished. I made that, of course, to my own, time honoured, recipe. Two avacadoes, two tomatoes, half a red onion (rest in the chilli), one garlic clove, cumin, paprika, squeeze of a lemon, salt and pepper. Mash it up a bit, Blend. Serve.
Vegetable Pastries - These were made up, but proved a good lunch too. Roasted parsnips, onions, potato. Fried onion in butter, with thyme. Mix together with cheddar. Fill puff pastry rounds and form traditional pasty shape. Bake for 25 - 30 mins. Serve with bake beans or salad.
That's the journey to date. I have chosen three new things for this week, and learning through Lent has never been more enjoyable. Fasting from meat, buying fresh vegetables from the local farm shop, not throwing anything away, and avoiding as much as possible any supermarket.
Oh! We planted the first veg in the garden too! Tom Thumb and Bingo peas, and Robin Hood broad beans. I drew a plan for our tiny little space. There is a 'walled garden' viz. 6 pots lined up on the wall in front of the fence; a 'herb garden' - pots of delicious things on old apple crates, a'hanging garden' - stuff growing from macrame pot hangers, a 'vegetable patch' - 4 broad bean plants, and about 3m of lawn, 2m of path and room for the tiniest table and chairs money can buy. It is going to be our patch of paradise.
Sunday, 22 February 2015
Stations of the Cross from the archive
Back in 2010 I wrote a series of reflections on the Stations of the Cross. Here is an index to the contents. Behind each link is a short series of readings, thoughts and prayers. Perhaps you might like to read them this Lent.
Reasons for Beginning
Reasons for Beginning
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