Friday 7 December 2018

How long?

How long has it been?

My goodness, time flies by. It seems not a minute since I was nursing a baby in my arms, admiring my husband and 2 year old for their composure and soaking up the delights of newborn love.

I am returned to work now and spend my days torn between worrying for children I teach and worrying for the babes I have borne. The great disaster of being a working mother is that whilst you might hope to be all things to everyone, you feel as if you are half good to most. I have, therefore, long since concluded that one cannot be all things to all people. The very best I can do is make biscuits: my children enjoy the camaraderie of our kitchen, and my colleagues (hopefully) gain that much needed sugar boost needed when I bring our produce to school.

And now, Advent.

For a season that is all about waiting, it doesn't half sneak up! My hearts' desire is to be at peace (not rushing around trying to do things). Ironically, there is much to achieve to make this happen. #

I look back through my Christmas posts and realise I have changed so little! I always long for Christmas, but ultimately,  I am waiting patiently for the business to disappear because:

When all the crowds have gone, I love to creep down the side aisle of my local Church to visit the beautiful crib scene. The figures there look real to me, I am child enough in my heart to make-believe them alive. The Christ-child reaches up a tiny hand, and I imagine that if I were to place my finger near he would grip it tightly, the way babies often do. I wonder what would happen if I did such a thing? What would happen if I had the courage to hold on? 

Then there are the other quiet moments of Christmastide. The night I get to stay up later than everyone else and look at the tree. The winter walk with a loved and treasured friend. Time to sit and crochet little granny squares for the blanket of my dreams. I adore those moments, when all the talking has been done, and there is time to settle down with loved ones and say nothing. Too much of my daily routine is spent amongst hustle, bustle and noise. I like to turn off the telly, the radio, and yes, even the internet.

The year I wrote that, 2012, I was hoping to go an adventure of love - and I did -  I married that 'loved and treasured friend'. Now I am filled with happiness to feel the grip of tiny hands each day. I know they are going to take me on a life long adventure.

But, what of this year? If I were to take courage once again, and creep down that side aisle, and grip that tiny hand, what then? My dreams are still wild: I'd love more children, to travel, to settle and make more of our amazing garden and become a little self sufficient family, to explore our country and the woods on our doorstep, to laugh and teach our children to laugh, above all to love.

Meanwhile, shall I crochet?