Patterns of uncertainty

I have lived with patterns of uncertainty about my future for many years, but the last three in particular, have been dominated by the knowledge that my task for next year is unknown. My awareness of this reality comes in waves. Sometimes I do not think of it at all, I take each day as it comes. At other times, it haunts me and I long for clarity. Most of the time, I hit a merry medium between these too and do my best to achieve what I can for the future in the present moment I am living.

This year, and more precisely these coming weeks, the sense of uncertainty about my future is escalating, and perhaps because decisions will have to be made soon, and actions must be taken to decide how best to proceed, I am becoming more stubborn in my attitude of hope.

For those not in the know, I am doing a DPhil in Theology at the University of Oxford. My main thesis is to suggest that solidarity, as an attitude and way of living is a fundamental part of communicating truthfully. Relationships with others are integral to how we communicate with each other. For these reasons, to appreciate another through the eyes of love is to see them truly, for, religiously speaking, it was in the eyes of love that they were created. So far so good, but to complicate matters, my thesis seeks to to suggest that speaking truthfully is an obligation of journalistic practice. It attempts to move religious concepts into what is known as the 'secular forum'. I use the philosophy of Alastair MacIntyre to speak about a 'confused' conception of what it means to be truthful in journalistic practice; argue that journalism is an expression of human community, all human activity is aimed towards achieving a social good, and that the good of social communication, viz. newspapers, is functional societal relationships. For this reason truth telling has remained the predominant passion of journalism for centuries. For journalism to speak truthfully about the societies it observes it needs to use fraternal language, language which is creative rather than destructive, which looks at the relationship of all people to each other and sees each as equal, which expresses rather than asserts, which promotes the integral development of all.

Well, that was a short run through. Anyhow, thus far my project remains 'unfunded'. This means that for the last two years I have met my financial obligations in a rather hand to mouth manner, taking jobs where I can to pay fees, bills and find food and wine! Fortunately, Oxford is quite a good place to live this kind of lifestyle, and by taking teaching where I can, I survive happily. As with last year though, this year I face a new round of uncertainty about the future. Firstly, I must pass a set of exams in order to continue with my work. Then, if I am fortunate to succeed through that hurdle, I must magic out of thin air the finances needed for another year. By a miracle the last academic year worked out well, and by God's grace the next one might still be to come. However, just at the moment, the future is, as ever, dark. If I fail my exams, or cannot continue financially, I will be looking for a job by July.

The patterns of uncertainty that mark life, however, teach me some things about how to approach such situations. People frequently call me an optimist, but I reject that label. Optimism would imply that I expect certain things to turn out for the best, exam results, money, somewhere to live, etc. Hope is different. Hope looks at the future and considers that all of the future, and there is a lot of it, is in God's hands. The minutiae of this moment may not be clear to me yet, but perhaps one day it will. In the meantime, the best I can do is trust that divine hands are good hands and look toward the future without the need to know exactly what it looks like. And I guess that is what to be hopeful about the future in the face of uncertainty means for me. It does not change what I would like to do next year, for I aspire to complete my project; but, it does leave me open to the suggestion that if things do not go my way, turning to take a new direction is not a turn towards the past. It is but a new way forward, with horizons different from the ones I thought were there before. And what, after all is said and done, is so bad about a change of scenery?

Some would argue that such a response to uncertainty is passive, fatalist even. But, I think that is a mistake. I am not passive, but actively participate in the steps that must be taken towards the future, even if they are in darkness. I am not afraid of the dark, and have always been blessed with the gift of knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Onwards.

Lazy Dayz

I am not someone who has very many lazy days. Today was one of them. The last time I remember staying in bed for so long I was sleeping around my friend Caroline's house. It was a girls weekend, and we had had a fine night talking, playing games and chatting. I was sleeping in Caroline's huge double bed, sharing with her. In the morning I was dead to the world. I could vaguely hear the sounds of friends moving around the house, preparing breakfast, laughing and talking; but, I was still in dreamland. I dreamt that Ric, Caroline's partner, had come home and was wanting to have a snooze, waiting for me to get up. But, I did not want to get up. I dreamt all my friends had gone, and I was still sleeping. Caroline and Ric were downstairs, waiting to move on with their weekend. In reality of course, all my friends were still there and Ric was still away, and even if he had been home, he would not have minded me sleeping. When I finally did make in down the stairs in my PJ's, sometime around 11am, everyone was still there and happy to see me well, rested.

Today I was at home in my flat. My alarm went off as usual about 7am. I turned it off, rolled over and fell straight back into dreams. I love drifting in and out of dream world in the morning, it is a luxury we rarely allow ourselves. And, quite often we feel bad about the time we take out to relax, stay still, sleep, rest. I stayed in bed today, and then read a book. I love drifting in and out of dreamworlds with the passages from novels still drifting around my head, it creates such interesting images, pictures, dreams. Today was bliss. I can now, officially recommend it!

The God of freedom will never allow you the comforts of religion - Herbert McCabe OP

Herbert McCabe OP sees things how they really are. Anyone who thinks of religion or faith as some sort of comfort blanket is relying on something they have never really thought about properly.

There is very little comfort in religion really. Not even the comfort that 'it will all be alright in the end'. To have faith is to begin a gamble between life and death. If you do not believe you are not going to think that there is anything to lose. Faith means believing that your life lived here has an eternal significance. You can't mess with that.

CS Lewis, writing in the second book of his lesser read science fiction trilogy, Perelandra, about the fears of approaching the unknown, has conquered fear about evil, and now considers his thoughts upon goodness, he says:

My fear was now of another kind. I felt sure that the creature was what we call 'good', but I wasn't sure whether I liked 'goodness' so much as I supposed. This is a very terrible experience. As long as what you are afraid of is something evil, you may still hope that good will come to your rescue. But suppose you struggle through to the good and find that is also dreadful? What if food itself turns out to be the very thing you can't eat, and home the very place you can't live, and your very comforter the person who makes you uncomfortable? Then, indeed, there is no rescue possible: the last card has been played. For a second or two I was nearly in that condition. Here at last was a bit of that world from beyond the world, which I had always supposed that I loved and desired, breaking through and appearing to my senses: and I didn't like it, i wanted it to go away. I wanted every possible distance, gulf, curtain, blanket and barrier to be placed between it and me. But I did not quite fall into the gulf. Oddly enough my very sense of helplessness saved me and steadied me........

It is a thought that oddly strikes me a times. Suppose 'goodness' is all a little bit awesome? A bit much? Suppose, as I so often do when it comes to bars, bookshops and familiar libraries, I prefer a little grime? I certainly prefer people who have come to life through less than pristine conditions, it has shaped them somehow. God seems all a little bit 'clean'; and 'religion' too often pretends to be so.

Love in Bethlehem, 11 000 years ago

This is my new all time favourite object.

It is the Ain Sakhri lovers, and has formed part of the History of the World in 100 Objects series, narrated beautifully by Neil MacGregor.

The history of this object can be completely, and more thoroughly researched by clinking the link above. Here, I would like to tell you why I love it. But, if you really love this, listen to Neil talk about it. He is so precise with his words, you will never forget the story.

Where to start? It is made from 'chattered' stone. A pebble which has journeyed down stream, 'chattering' against other stones as it passes through the water. This has made the pebble smooth, its contact with others has rubbed off its hard edges, made it soft to the touch. At some point in the journey, someone, perhaps the person whose domestic and homely cave in which this figurine was found, picked this smooth stone from the cold waters and carved it into an image of human love. A couple locked in a sexual embrace. Smooth, calm, intimate.

It was found in the Ain Sakrhi cave, near Bethlehem. How amazing that the oldest representation of human love was found there! These lovers date from 8000bc, picked up by a traveling bedouin, sold to the French Fathers and acquired by Rene Neuville in 1958. The person who carved this beautiful image of lovers was a member of the Natufian people. Natufians are noted as being the first human beings to farm their food. They bred sheep and goats, and so had some understanding about the principles of reproduction. They hunted gazelle with their dogs, and gathered figs, acorns, pistachios, wild lentils, chick peas and wheat. As a lifestyle they had developed a way of staying in one place and producing an abundance of food. Naturally, this led to periods of reflection, thought and time to carve so beautiful and object.

It is amazing to me that in such moments of reflection so long ago, someone would have chosen to carve two people loving each other. Many anthropologists have argued that early human people did not have long term monogamous relationships. That sex was just a way of continuing the species, and that women grouped together to look after their offspring, whilst men headed out to hunt. This statue does not speak of that phenomenon. It is not possible to tell which of these figures is male, and which is female, they are so tightly embraced. They are looking into each others' eyes. One wraps their arms around the shoulder of the other, their legs are entwined. This, to me at least, is an image of love.

So, in conclusion, why to I really love this object? A chattering stone made a journey to Bethlehem, was picked out of the cold and moulded by a human hand into the form of love. And all of this happened because of the moment of reflection good food brought. Now, that is a perfect narration of how the world should be.

Two Poems

In my parents garden the birds are feeding, the snowdrops are out, the sun is shining, but the trees are still bare, lagging behind in the depths of winter. This can only mean one thing: Lent is upon us. But today, I am going back to the city for the first time in a few months, and although Oxford is full of parks and meadows in which to spy the seasons, there is also always, for me anyway, a sense of detachment there. It is harder to spot the subtle signs of change amongst cold stone buildings.

Lenten Signs

Here in the city
where impassive pavements
light no signals for seasons,
fingers of woodland
point to the river

Mottled ivy
wipes off winter dust,
burns greener: a thorn tree
is beginning to sweat
white tears

Gnarled japonica
bursts into globules of blood,
beading leafless bones;
sunshots dazzle
through crossed boughs

of park lopped trees
and tearing nails of briars.
Robins extemporise
red warnings
of outrageous spring

Joyce Weldom-Searle
20th Century

Lent

Lent is a tree without blossom, without leaf,
Barer than blackthorn in its winter sleep,
Al unadorned. Unlike Christmas which decrees
The setting up, the dressing up of trees,
Lent is a taking down, a stripping bare,
A starkness after all has been withdrawn
Of surplus and superfluous,
leaving no hiding place, only an emptiness
Between black branches, a most precious space
before the leaf, before the time of flowers;
Lest we should only see the leaf, the flower,
Lest we should miss the stars.

Jean M. Watt 20th Century

Thomas Merton, Karl Barth and Mozart

"Karl Barth had a dream about Mozart.

Barth had always been piqued by the Catholicism of Mozart, and by Mozart's rejection of Protestantism. For Mozart said that "Protestantism is all in the head" and that "Protestants did not know the meaning of the Agus Dei qui tollis peccata mundi.'

Barth, in his dream, was appointed to examine Mozart in theology. He wanted to make the examination as favourable as possible, and in his questions he alluded pointedly Mozart's masses.

But Mozart did not answer a word.

I was deeply moved by Barth's account of this dream and wanted to write him a letter about it. The dream concerns his salvation, and Barth perhaps is striving to admit that he will be saved more by the Mozart in himself than by his theology.

Each day, for years, Barth played Mozart every morning before going to work on his dogma: unconsciously seeking to awaken perhaps, the hidden sophianic Mozart in himself, the central wisdom that comes in tune with the divine and cosmic music and is saved by love, yes, even by eros. While the other, theological self, seemingly more concerned with love, grasps a more stern, more cerebral agape: a love that, after all, is not in our own heart but only in God and revealed only to our head.

Barth says, also significantly, that "it is a child, even a "divine" child who speaks in Mozart's music to us." Some, he says, considered Mozart always a child in practical affairs (but Burckhardt "earnestly took exception" to this view). At the same time, Mozart the child prodigy, "was never allowed to be a child in then literal meaning of that word." He gave his first concert at the age of six.

Yet he was always a child "in the higher meaning of that word."

Fear not, Karl Barth! Trust in the divine mercy. Though you have grown up to become a theologian, Christ remains a child in you. Your books (and mine) matter less than we might think! There is in us a Mozart who will be our salvation.

Conjectures of a guilty bystander

Thomas Merton

This opening to Thomas Merton's book fascinates me. Who does it tell me more about? Barth? Mozart or Merton. Methinks Merton gives away more of himself in this passage than he tells of Barth or Mozart.

Okay, already

So, I have not blogged properly for over a year. I know. Terribly irresponsible. But, I am back now, and will endeavor to improve. I have been thinking about a new series, or theme, for my blogging enterprise. It is always so much better when you have a focus.

At the moment I am teaching at Canford School, Dorset, and studying for my DPhil Theology, Oxford. I had a meeting with a Professor in Oxford the other day and we had a long conversation about truth and truthfulness. My project is about the ethical responsibility of the the British broadsheet newspapers. It is an application of Catholic social teaching, particularly relating to the principles of solidarity, subsidiarity and the common good in social communication. I could talk informally about that?

Or, I could think again other passions and hobbies of mine: walking, animals, wildlife, gardening. food?

Or just a passion for books, trivia, religion, faith and what not?

I am having a think.

For the New Year

Nada turbe,

Nada te espante,

todo se pasa,
Dios no se muda;
la paciencia
todo lo alcanza;

quien a Dios tiene
nada le falta:

Sólo Dios basta.

Eleva tu pensamiento,

al cielo sube,

por nada te acongojes,

nada te turbe.
A Jesu Cristo
sigue
con pecho grande,y,
venga lo que venga,

nada te espante.

¿Ves la gloria del mundo?

Es gloria vana;

nada tiene de estable,

todo se pasa.
Aspira a lo celeste,

que siempre dura;
fiel y rico en promesas,
Dios no se muda.

Ámala cual merece
bondad inmensa;

pero no hay amor fino
sin la paciencia.
Confianza y fe viva
mantenga el alma,

que quien cree y espera
todo lo alcanza.
Del infierno acosado
aunque se viere,

burlará sus furores
quien a Dios tiene.

Vénganle desamparos,

cruces, desgracias;

siendo Dios tu tesoro

nada te falta.
Id, pues, bienes del mundo;

id dichas vanas;

aunque todo lo pierda,

sólo Dios basta.

In the beginning

I have had an year of mis-starts and false beginnings. I have been up to my eyes in work and a social whirlwind, but have found it difficult to to concentrate on those things that direct my life: faith, reason, family, friends.

This January I will, like many, begin again. To continue my studies I am about to undertake a teaching job at a public school in Dorset. I will be away from my University term in Oxford, but will try to continue with my studies independently. During that time I hope to make much progress with my work.

But, all this is not the point. In January there is a need to return to the beginning.

It is with this in mind, and with a hint from my childhood friend, Luke, that I will start again, this year, to read the Bible. It is the book that forms the foundation of much of Christian ethics, and, if I dare say so, much of the law of this country and of Europe. There is a lot to learn there: about God, and about life.

The Bible has boring bits. Believe me, I have read them. But, there are lots of interesting bits too, and each part, the boring and the interesting, has something to say that is relevant to the way people live today: religious or non - religious. There was no such thing as a temporal 'Christian state' in the New Testament, nor a 'Jewish state' in the Old. Religious diversity and differences of opinion are part of the story of God in the Judeo Christian Scripture. I imagine that differences of opinion would form part of the discussion of scripture today. Difference is certainly is part of reading it: there are violent parts, injustice, sexism, patriarchalism, wars, debates, differences and dialogues. In it all, God plays a part.

So, I begin to read again. At the beginning. And from the Beginning I hope to see the reasons, the wherefores and the whys of conflicts, disagreements and debates. I do not hope to find answers, but only clearer questions.

Here is the plan: Bible Reading

It begins with the first chapters of Genesis, Ezra, Matthew and Acts.

Daisies need sunshine and roses need rain

In my head today I have been singing one lyric of a song over and over again: 'Daisies need sunshine and roses need rain.' To me these two flowers show a difference between two types of happiness. Daisies are irrepressible bundles of joy, they are bubbly and delightful symbols of innocence and cheerfulness. Roses, on the other hand are deeply beautiful. Roses are offered as a symbol of love, courage and respect; in Christendom they are a reminder of Christ's passion. Roses, to keep their beauty, need rain; daisies close up and retreat into the ground at the first sign of bad weather. It's tentative I know, but to me there is something here to be learnt about beauty in life. Something to do with an appreciation, if that is the right word, of the hardness of real living.

Today was the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. It is a beautiful and poignant feast. But, like many things in the Church, it is weird and takes some growing up to get your head around. Without too much thought I have always assumed that to live a happy life good things should happen to you. I like to think about the happy times. When things go a bit awry I pretend it isn't happening, look away and try and think of something else. I have the same reaction to horrid images on the telly. And, to my shame, difficult things that happen closer to my home: beggars on the street, drugs and alcoholism. The feast of Our Lady of Sorrows is a challenge to all of that.

Our Lady of Sorrows is beautiful. But, hers is not a superficial beauty. True beauty comes from experiencing life to its fulness with all its pain and sorrow. True love is the same. Mary at the foot of the cross had, we are to understand, the faith to believe in the resurrection, but she still cried. That wasn't because she had lost all hope, it was because she loved her son. It was love that made her stay and refuse to look away.